Interpersonal Domestic Abuse

We are near the end of Women’s International Month, and I thought I prudent that we discuss a very taboo subject. I am referring to the issue of what I have coined interpersonal domestic abuse. Some may be wondering why I am not calling it just domestic violence. The reason is, domestic violence as a term denotes or defines abuse in very narrow terms…. violence. Interpersonal domestic abuse expands the definition to not only include the end result but the patterns of behavior that lead up to, present themselves in, and the lasting effects well after someone experiences the abuse of power by another individual. So, hereafter when I refer to interpersonal domestic abuse (IDA), I am referring to the misuse of and abuse of power over the inalienable territorial rights of another. A person’s territory includes the psychological, emotional, economic, physical, sexual, and spiritual areas of their lives and existence that they have control and dominion over.

What makes IDA so insidious is that it occurs so frequently, often hidden, and is often ignored. It presents itself wherever interpersonal relationships occur. It can occur at home, work, or school. Often the world, and academia focuses on the IDA perpetrated upon women or perpetrated via heterosexual relationships, but the truth is there are victims of every gender, language, nationality, economic and social status. Even religious institutions are not immune. Having said that, I wanted to point out seven abuser traits that those who are either in a relationship or are aspiring to be coupled should look out for.

These seven traits tend to form a cyclical pattern of discovery. In other words, they don’t happen in a vacuum, nor do they appear singularly. They also appear progressively and if you’re not looking objectively for them, before you know it, you’re in an abusive relationship. I will address the first three this week.

The first trait that I would like to address is the abuser’s charm. Being charming in and of itself is not a negative trait. However, being charming for an abuser is an opportunity to disarm the critical thinking of the would-be victim. The Charmer grooms his victim with ever increasing intensity of compliments, gifts, attention, and time. In the beginning, the victim is flattered by the devotion of the abuser, but does not realize that they are being slowly drawn into a parasitic relationship. The abuser then slowly suffocates the victim’s identity. The definitive expression of this charm offensive forces an artificial responsibility for the abusers existence….”I can’t live without you” or its subversive twin “I will kill myself”

The second trait that I would like to address is manipulation. Manipulation can take many forms and is usually one of the hardest to spot because it involves territorial vulnerabilities of the victim. When paired with the charming trait, it is the one that breaks the victim psychologically. Manipulators can quickly spot territorial vulnerabilities of the victim and prey upon them. Like a hunting lion who can pick the weak in a herd the manipulator will spot the victims with low self-esteem, victims with low love deficits, those with economic need, persons with personal or social isolation, or those not grounded in who they are physical or spiritually. Manipulators spot these and attack them directly or break through them over time. The goal of the manipulator is to gain total control, to have singular power over the victim’s agency to make decisions by having them doubt their judgment. Manipulators perform a hostile take over of the individual by belittling the victim, their person, and their judgment. In doing so the victim becomes totally dependent on the abuser’s judgment, decisions, and even worldview. What you see is akin to what you see when you observe cultic behavior.

The third trait I would like to address is Jealousy. Unlike the first two subversive traits, jealousy is an overt trait. By this time the abuser will view any other relationship as a threat. A Jealous person is overly sensitive and hypervigilant to any threats to the artificially concocted dynamics of the relationship. Outside threats will force the abuser to cede the control they crave and need to validate themselves. Because of the abuser’s hypervigilance they become accusatory, seeing any attempt to connect outside of them as a violation. Jealousy is a passive aggressive attempt to have the victim willingly relinquish control when the abuser cannot gain control themselves. When the abuser accuses the victim of cheating without evidence or accusing them of flirting by the way they dress or by any attention given by others, they are accusing knowing that the victim will only give up additional control to appease the Jealous perpetrator. What’s so egregious is that the victim willingly gives up their territorial rights only to never get them back. The Jealous behavior then escalates into controlling behavior where the abuser now takes the initiative to fill the vacuum of power and control that was willingly vacated by the victim. The Abuser will perform passive and active surveillance on the victim’s time, resources, and interactions. It’s at this time that many victims are forced to stop working or visiting others who may provide agency to the victim. The victim is duped to believing that the abuser’s jealousy is justified because their show of emotion is equated to love. It is far from it.

In our next blog I will address the other four traits of concern.

If anyone needs immediate assistance with domestic violence you can get immediate help via the domestic violence hotline. The Hotline can be accessed via the nationwide number 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361.The Hotline provides service referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Persons can also contact the Hotline through an email request from the Hotline website

KNUSTART, LLC is an online relationship and recovery organization that helps adults build and sustain lasting and healthy relationship with themselves, others, and their challenges.