"The Relationship X-Ray: What You Need to See Before 'I Do'"

The premarital diagnostic.

Introduction

Marriage is one of life's most profound and sacred journeys, a covenant blessed by God, promising companionship, growth, and deep intimacy. Yet, many couples step into this beautiful commitment without truly understanding the intricate dynamics that will shape their shared future. Just as you wouldn't build a house without first examining the foundation, you shouldn't build a marriage without a thorough "relationship x-ray"—a deep look beneath the surface to reveal what genuinely lies ahead.

Beyond the Surface: Why an X-Ray, Not Just a Photo?

When we consider marriage, our minds often conjure idyllic images: shared laughter, romantic getaways, and unwavering support. Social media, movies, and even well-meaning friends often present a curated "photo album" of relationships—all smiles and perfect moments. While these snapshots capture genuine joy, they rarely reveal the unseen structures, the underlying stresses, or the areas of potential weakness that lurk beneath the surface.

A photograph captures a moment; an X-ray penetrates the facade to show the bones, the hidden fractures, the misalignments, and the vital organs. In the context of your relationship, an "X-ray" means moving beyond superficial compatibility and shared hobbies to understand your individual and combined relational operating systems. It’s about asking tough questions, examining past patterns, and anticipating future challenges not with fear, but with wisdom and intentionality. Without this deeper insight, you risk building your marital home on an unstable foundation, leaving you vulnerable when the inevitable storms of life arrive. This isn't about finding flaws; it's about uncovering truths that empower you to build a stronger, more resilient union, rooted in honesty and grace.

Mapping Your Relational Terrain: An Introduction to Relationship Position Theory

To truly conduct this "relationship x-ray," we need a framework that helps us analyze not just what issues exist, but how we relate to them. This is where the Relationship Position Theory (RPT) offers a powerful lens. RPT suggests that every issue, challenge, or even a deep-seated belief within a relationship exists as a distinct entity, and individuals dynamically position themselves in relation to it. This spatial relationship isn't just a metaphor; it reflects profound psychological, emotional, and behavioural patterns that influence how you experience and respond to that issue, both individually and as a couple.

Understanding your "default position" in relation to various issues—and your partner's—provides incredible insight into communication styles, conflict resolution tendencies, and even identity within the relationship. Let's explore a few key positions particularly relevant to pre-marital insights:

1. Being "Behind" the Issue

Imagine an issue—perhaps past financial debt, unresolved family conflict, or an unspoken expectation about future roles—as a rapidly moving train. If you are positioned "behind" the issue, it often means you are avoiding confronting it head-on. You might be hoping it will resolve itself, or that marriage will magically make it disappear.

Negative Polarities in Pre-Marital Context:

Procrastination: You know there's a difficult conversation about differing parenting styles, but you keep putting it off, hoping it won't be an issue "until later."

Unresolved Past: You or your partner has baggage from previous relationships, family trauma, or personal struggles (e.g., addiction, unmanaged anxiety) that hasn't been fully processed. You’re being "chased" by these unresolved elements, and they will inevitably catch up.

Victim Mentality: One partner might feel perpetually "left behind" by the other's ambitions or progress, leading to resentment or a lack of personal agency in contributing to the relationship's future.

Client Story: Sarah and Mark Sarah and Mark came to me for pre-marital coaching, appearing deeply in love. As we delved deeper, it became clear Mark was "behind" a significant issue: a substantial amount of credit card debt he'd accumulated in college and never truly addressed. He’d made minimum payments, but the principal remained largely untouched. "I figured we'd tackle it after we were married," he admitted, "or maybe I'd get a big promotion." Sarah, unbeknownst to her, was blissfully "in front of" this issue, excitedly planning their future home and budget, assuming a clean financial slate. When the truth emerged, it created significant tension. Mark’s "behind" position was rooted in shame and a fear of disappointing Sarah, but it threatened to derail their foundation before it was even built. Our work focused on helping Mark turn around, face the issue, and create a concrete plan, while Sarah learned to approach it with grace and collaborative problem-solving, rather than judgment.

2. Being "Outside Of" the Issue

To be "outside of" an issue suggests a level of detachment, objectivity, or even avoidance. In a healthy sense, it can mean maintaining healthy boundaries or offering a fresh, external perspective. However, in a pre-marital context, it often points to a lack of true intimacy and vulnerability regarding core relational aspects.

Negative Polarities in Pre-Marital Context:

Disconnection & Isolation: You might be great at surface-level chats, but struggle to dive into deep conversations about fears, insecurities, or differing core values. You’re "outside" the messy, but intimate, parts of relationship building.

Lack of Investment/Care:One or both partners might be "outside" truly engaging with the other’s struggles or dreams, offering polite support but not true emotional co-regulation or shared vision.

Avoiding Engagement: This position can manifest as a reluctance to merge lives fully, or a tendency to keep certain parts of oneself private, even from a future spouse, hindering the "two becoming one flesh" dynamic.

Client Story: David and Emily David and Emily presented as a charming, articulate couple. They rarely argued and seemed to agree on most things. However, when asked about how they’d handle potential conflicts or deeply differing opinions, they both confessed they tended to "avoid anything too heavy." Emily preferred to keep things "light and positive," while David found expressing strong emotions uncomfortable. They were both consistently "outside of" potential conflict issues, believing that if they didn't engage with them, they wouldn't exist. This meant they hadn't genuinely discussed core differences in their spiritual walks (Emily felt David was too rigid, David felt Emily was too loose), or their differing approaches to raising children (Emily envisioned a strict schedule; David wanted a free-spirited approach). Their "outside" position protected them from temporary discomfort, but it also prevented them from developing the crucial communication and conflict resolution skills essential for a lasting marriage.

3. Being "To the Right Of" the Issue

This position often relates to the belief that one's perspective, approach, or solution is the unequivocally "right" one. While conviction can be a strength, rigidity in this position can be detrimental to partnership.

Negative Polarities in Pre-Marital Context:

Rigid Adherence: One partner may believe their way of managing finances, communicating, or even practicing faith is the only "correct" way, leaving little room for compromise or understanding their partner's perspective.

Judgmental Positioning: This can lead to a quick dismissal of a partner's feelings or ideas, subtly (or overtly) implying their view is inferior or wrong.

Inflexibility: In a partnership where two distinct individuals are coming together, an inability to adapt or consider alternative approaches can stifle growth and create deep resentment.

For instance, in discussions about blending family traditions, one partner might be "to the right of" the issue, insisting that their family's holiday rituals are the "correct" and only way, without genuinely understanding or valuing their partner's heritage. This isn't about having convictions, but about whether those convictions leave room for another person's valid experiences and perspectives. As Proverbs 12:15 reminds us, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."

Navigating the Unseen: Applying RPT to Your Pre-Marital Journey

Understanding these relational positions isn't just an academic exercise; it's a practical tool for building a Healthy marriage. By consciously asking, "Where are we, or where am I, positioned in relation to this aspect of our future life?" you can proactively address potential pitfalls and build robust strategies for unity.

Consider these critical pre-marital discussion areas through the RPT lens:

• Finances: Are you "Behind" discussing true financial pictures, ignoring debt or differing spending habits? Or is one partner "To the Right Of" how money should be managed, without appreciating the other's perspective on saving vs. spending?

• Conflict Resolution: Do you find yourselves consistently "Outside" of truly engaging in disagreements, sweeping them under the rug? Or does one partner default "To the Right Of" their preferred conflict style, unable to meet the other in the middle? A truly healthy marriage will bring you "Inside" conflict together with compassion, seeking understanding and resolution.

• Family of Origin: Are you "Behind" addressing inherited patterns or boundaries with your respective families? Or is one partner "Outside" truly understanding the profound impact of their partner's family history? You are not just marrying your partner; you are marrying into their story, and your story.

• Intimacy & Expectations: Are there unspoken expectations about physical intimacy, emotional support, or household roles that you are "Behind" in discussing openly? Or is one of you "To the Right Of" a pre-conceived notion of how married life "should" look, without genuinely exploring your partner's hopes and fears?

The goal is not to judge these positions, but to bring them into the light. As Ephesians 5:13 says, "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible." God calls us to truth, because truth builds a foundation that can withstand anything.

Cultivating Positional Flexibility: The Path to a Resilient "I Do

“The ultimate aim of RPT in pre-marital coaching is not to label you or your partner, but to foster positional flexibility. This means gaining the ability to consciously choose the most helpful stance for any given moment or issue. It's understanding your default, recognizing its limitations, and being willing to shift.

• If you tend to be "Behind" an issue, learning to turn around and actively face it with your partner, seeking God's wisdom and a plan of action.

• If you find yourselves "Outside" true intimacy on a difficult topic, purposefully moving "Inside" that conversation, even if it feels vulnerable, trusting in God's presence and your partner's love.

• If one of you is consistently "To the Right Of" a particular approach, cultivating humility and openness to explore other perspectives, remembering that "where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them" (Matthew 18:20), seeking unity in Christ.

This flexibility is a hallmark of maturity and relational wisdom. It requires humility to admit when your default position isn't serving the relationship, courage to step into uncomfortable spaces, and faith to trust God's guidance in navigating uncharted territory. It’s about not just loving your partner for who they are, but loving them enough to grow with them, becoming responsive and adaptable to the ever-changing landscape of married life. Through prayer, honest communication, and seeking wise counsel, you can cultivate this flexibility, ensuring your "I Do" is not just a promise, but a solid, prayer-filled foundation for a lifetime.

Conclusion: Building a Foundation That Lasts

Marriage is a divine institution, a reflection of Christ's unconditional love for the Church. It is a journey of two imperfect individuals striving for perfection in unity, always leaning on God's grace. Before you say "I Do," commit to conducting your "relationship x-ray." Use frameworks like the Relationship Position Theory to understand the unseen dynamics at play. Don't shy away from the hard conversations; embrace them as opportunities for deeper intimacy, understanding, and spiritual growth.

Seek counsel, engage in intentional pre-marital coaching, and most importantly, invite God into every corner of your discussions. Lay a foundation rooted in truth, vulnerability, and positional flexibility, always anchored in His unchanging love. A marriage built on such a foundation will not only weather the storms but will thrive, becoming a powerful testimony to His goodness and grace. Your "I Do" deserves a resilient, well-examined foundation—one that lasts for eternity.