Engaging Conflict

At the beginning of this year many of us made resolutions. We made these promises to ourselves that we resolve to do or to be such and such. While these declaratory statements of determination are great research has shown that it takes at least ninety days to truly form a new more permanent habit. For many, they know by the end of the first month or second month if what they resolved to do or be will last. We are now at the end of the first month of 2022 and three days into our second month. Where are you? For those who have already given in, you can restart. For those who may be about to give up, don’t.

Having said that what I really wanted to talk about, the one thing that I hope most of us resolve to do better is manage conflict. While the number on the calendar has changed, world events being as they are, and the adjustments that we’ve all had to make, what has not changed is conflict.

Conflict is a multifaceted subject that requires time and even nuance. Yet the one thing that is sure about conflict is that it is inevitable. They occur as a function of our interpersonal and social dynamics. We can have internal conflict, external conflict, even existential conflicts. No matter the nature of the conflict, it will inevitably come, and we must learn to manage it effectively if we intend to have safe, healthy and effective relationships.

Conflict in and of itself is not necessarily a negative thing. When viewed from a singularly negative paradigm we tend to avoid conflict at all costs. Avoiding conflict leaves the persons in conflict feeling unheard and serves only as a reset for future escalated conflict in the future. Conflict when viewed from a more positive or at the very least neutral perspective, can promote relationship breakthroughs that would otherwise be lost when avoided. Engaging conflict in relationships brings new and deeper levels of communication, intimacy, productivity, and empathy.

Notice I said engaging conflict, not necessarily resolving conflict, can bring these wonderful benefits. The reason being, not all conflicts can be resolved. There is nothing wrong with that either. Yet engaging the conflict allows for new dynamics, that breathes life into other areas of the conflicting party’s relationship that counterbalance or take primacy over the conflict

The question becomes how do you engage with conflict?

First, engage conflict from a position of strength. I know that sounds strange, but here is what I mean. You cannot effectively engage conflict assuming the other party has a weaker position than you do. Their position is not weaker, or yours stronger, but just different. The other and your positions in the conflict are underpinned by values, experiences, personalities, and believe it or not, agendas. If both parties approach the conflict assuming that they are both right and both positions are strong positions, then both sides are more likely to engage in the present with resolving their conflict. If both positions are strong positions, the only resolution to the conflict is negotiation. Negotiation requires critical thinking, creative solution making, and the seeking win-win solutions where possible. In short, the position of I am right and you are wrong, usually does not bring healthy long-term resolution to many conflicts. In this case one party will back down and disengage from the conflict. The result is a looping cycle of conflict and the dissolution of the relationship.

Second, engage conflict authentically. I mentioned earlier, conflicts are underpinned by values, experiences, and agendas. This cannot be understated or overlooked. Many conflicts are enjoined without addressing this all-important fact…conflicts do not happen in a vacuum. Therefore, what tends to happen is that conflicts are addressed without truly addressing the underlying values, principles, experience, or agenda that underpins it. You see two manifestations of this premise. The first occurs when the conflict is enjoined, the underlying issues are presented in the form of stonewalling, irrationality, defensiveness, strawman or false attribution. The immediate response is a heightened emotional state, arguments, obfuscation, name calling, and criticism. This is readily seen in relationships where a conflict brews and the resulting attempt to engage addresses the presentation of the underlying issue, instead of the underlying issue itself. The second manifestation is the delayed response. It goes like this, there is a conflict that needs to be addressed and one or more of the parties fail to acknowledge the existence of the conflict. Failing to acknowledge the conflict is a failure to be truthful. In turn what happens is the conflict builds and builds until there is an explosive release. The release is treated as the resolution of the conflict, but in fact, is just a symptom of the dynamics of the conflict itself. Unfortunately, these explosive moments only escalate the non-resolution of the conflict by allowing one party to fully retreat or aggressively proceed by subjugating the other entirely. Sometimes, this effort to resolve conflict results in verbal, physical, or psychological attacks on identify and can be quite traumatic.

Finally, engage conflict with the relationship as its primary beneficiary. Conflicts are inevitable. Healthy relationships are not. Healthy relationships are nurtured, built on integrity, vulnerability, intimacy, and authenticity. Healthy relationships are resilient, creative, flexible, and stable. When seeking to engage with conflict, the goal is to build, maintain, strengthen, or renew a healthy relationship. Let me be clear, all conflicts do not have a happy ending or perfect outcomes. However, when properly engaged with the relationship as the beneficiary, conflicting parties can maintain healthy, productive relationships. For this reason, engaging conflict should never be a shallow exercise. For the sake of the relationship, it may require deeper dives emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. It may require some soul searching, giving up rights, walking in the other’s shoe. It may require empathy on a level not previously engaged. It may require great sacrifices of time, energy, and commitment. If the relationship is worthy recipient, if the relationship matters, then these deeper forays into conflict will produce a healthier relationship.

The bible gives some interesting advice about conflict. It reads, Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. James 1:19, NET

If you have questions or concerns contact KNUSTART, LLC at KNUSTART.COM we are here to help.

KNUSTART, LLC is an online relationship and recovery organization that helps adults build and sustain lasting and healthy relationship with themselves, others, and their challenges.