Interpersonal Domestic Abuse Part 2

This month will be a double dipper month. Maybe more. May is Mental Health awareness month so I will be addressing issues along those lines. However, I wanted to continue my last blog. I was speaking about Interpersonal Domestic Abuse. If you haven’t’ read that article I would suggest taking a look at it first. As a recap, Interpersonal Domestic Abuse (IDA) is a pernicious and ever-present threat to our society. It can happen to anyone. Sex, race, socio-economic factors, and religion are not insulating factors from this societal plague. It is harmful behavior, and many times has generational effects; yet the subject is considered taboo and we prefer not to see it or deal with it. In the following paragraphs, I hope to at least provide some insight for those who may not be aware of the behaviors that lead to or are present in Interpersonal Domestic Abuse, with the goal of perhaps some avoiding, recognizing early, or getting the appropriate help when they are in the situation. So, far we have tackled three traits when discussing this issue of IDA. We discussed the abusers’ charm, the abusers’ manipulations, and the abusers’ jealousy. As promised, we will now tackle four more traits.

The fourth trait I would like to discuss is the abusers hypervigilance.

While most would probably fairly ascribe a different word, I use hypervigilance because of its nexus to other clinically recognized behaviors. Hypervigilance describes a heightened state of constant arousal. It is usually a primal response to threats and psychological trauma. In many cases, abusers were themselves abused or exposed to abuse. When the initial abuse took place in point of time, the abuser did not have physical power, psychological maturity, or the resources and/or support to manage, repel, or get away from their abuser. What in effect happens as a result is a state of hypervigilance, ever watchful for the smallest slight that would represent to the abuser a loss of control, an esteem or ego violation or a threat to their own territorial rights. It’s important to note that to an abuser, because their sensitivity is overblown, any action can and will be considered a threat and the abuser tries to prevent the state of hopelessness, lack of control and self-determination that they had previously by quickly responding to take back control through exerting physical, psychological, or spiritual dominance over the abused. This is usually manifested in violent verbal or psychical outbursts, paranoia, erratic mood swings, defensiveness, legalistic thinking, controlling behaviors, vindictiveness, and irrational thinking. This hypervigilance can be further explained or observed in the fifth trait-Victimology.

The abuser is always the victim. It’s the lens from which they view the world, and it becomes a part of their identity. They were victimized once. It was not their fault or responsibility then. Now that they have power, their aim is to not be a victim again. However, what shows up time and time again is that any perceived threat to their territorial rights, results in the initial re-enactment of their abuse and status. The resulting Victimology results in a vicious cycle of non-accountability, blame, shame, guilt, and apology. Here is a classic example of what I am talking about. An abuser is terminated from work due to alcohol dependency. The abuser knows and understands the ramification of his/her termination. They feel hopeless, and helpless. Instead of taking accountability for their poor decisions, they blame others; whether its their co-workers, friends or in most cases their significant other or those closest to them. You will hear things like this: “I drink because you stress me out.” The resulting shame causes anxiety and compels them to restore order by victimizing or taking control of the falsely identified object of their self-inflicted violation of their territorial rights. The victim in effect acts as a foil, their alter ego. They cannot be a victim or punish themselves, so their alter ego must take the punishment. Their efforts to control result in a public humiliation or an exertion of physical dominance over the victim. The abuser feels guilt (real or imagined) and tries to isolate the victim from the public because the abuser doesn’t want the condemnation of the public, which will reinforce the identify of being weak, powerless, and helpless. The cycle begins again with the abuser abdicating all control and responsibility to the alter ego. “You made me hit you” is commonly followed by the well-known insincere apology.

The insincere apology is one of the most dangerous traits of an abuser. Its dangerous because, of all the traits mentioned so far, it is the one that inspires hope in the victim. By now the victim has given up all hope of ever regaining agency of their territorial rights and have abdicated psychologically, physically, and even spiritually. They are wounded and broken individuals. As the alter ego of the abuser, they now agree that it’s their fault this is happening to them. They have given up their personhood and have become isolated from all help. The Apology, “I swear to never do that again,” is believed by the victim to be a sincere desire for change. The victim sees hope only to be sucked into the circular vortex of the abusers’ manipulative traits. It is this never-ending cycle of helplessness and hopelessness that inevitably leads the victim to escape, commit suicide, or commit homicide of the abuser. What is also dangerous about the apology is the near interdependent and symbiotic relationship that develops between the abuser and the abused, which maintains the abusive cycle. This very symbiotic interdependence causes the victim to return with the hope and promise that the abuser will change. The abused believes the apology to be true. The abuser knows its not, but uses it as another means to regain control, to prevent the alter ego from developing the needed strength to escape. The fact is unless the abuser is willing to get deep seeded help and be accountable for his actions, it will not stop.

The final trait that I will mention is that of narcissism. It comes as no surprise that most abusers are high operating narcissists. High level narcissists protect and project an idealized image of themselves. They project the idealized identity because it masks many times the opposite of what they are trying to project. In many cases and abuser will be viewed as living a double life. It is why many abusers can hide behind the shadow of religion or the status of upstanding citizen to mask the depth of brokenness, helplessness, and hopelessness that they feel and experience. An abuser will become hyper masculine to hide sexual abuse from another man or female adult. Many will seem overconfident to compensate for fear, or incompetence. They will seem caring where a lack of empathy resides, cooperative when it masks their desire to control and manipulate their environment. Eventually, chinks in the projection of the image occur, because it takes a lot of work to maintain. These image violations seep into other areas of their lives and in time become visible to those who are closest to them. Not being able to project the image they chose; they now seek to protect that image at all costs. They begin to isolate their victims from others, seek to dominate the others will and agency, and gain control of their victims’ resources. Eventually, when they can no longer project or protect that image, they eventually attempt to or destroy the alter ego and move on to another unsuspecting victim. It is why many abusers are serial abusers. It is why it’s important to spot persons with high level narcissistic behaviors. Here are but a few of them: They are self-centered, arrogant, and have a lack of empathy and consideration for others. They need to be admired on a scale that would be deemed excessive. They are manipulative, demanding, and unaccountable. They are hypervigilant, delusional, exploitive, irrational, display magnetism, and can be very charming.

So, the big question is, what can you do if you identity these traits?

1. If you spot them early, set boundaries and consistently stick to them. Don’t be fooled by the charm offensive. The offensive is to get you to move the goal post.

2. Know the truth about yourself. It is the best defense against an abusers attempt to suck you into their world. When you know the truth about yourself, it is easier to repel unrealistic, demeaning, and cruel criticisms that are hurled your way.

3. Do not take responsibility for the abusers’ guilt, or shame. Another person is not responsible for yours and you are not responsible for theirs. They will never acknowledge their need for help if you are carrying their burden.

4. Do not appease and abuser. Appeasement brings on more aggression.

5. Do not argue with an abuser. You will not win. State your disagreement as a matter of fact and leave it.

6. Do not self-isolate yourself from support, no matter what an abuser says. There is safety in numbers and abusers know this.

7. Finally, make a plan that includes letting others in on your situation. That plan may include family, friends, law enforcement, and other resources. Being abused can be embarrassing but staying in an abusive relationship can be deadly.

I hope this article was helpful.

If anyone needs immediate assistance with domestic violence, you can get immediate help via the domestic violence hotline. The Hotline can be accessed via the nationwide number 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361. The Hotline provides service referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Persons can also contact the Hotline through an email request from the Hotline website

KNUSTART, LLC is an online relationship and recovery organization that helps adults build and sustain lasting and healthy relationship with themselves, others, and their challenges.