What to Know Before You Start a Serious Relationship

Being Deliberate About Love

I was determined not to talk about romantic relationships so soon….but I had a few questions from some people I had the good fortune of meeting during the last two weeks. I’m entitling this week’s blog Things to consider before getting into a Serious Relationship. Now the title could have easily been things to consider before getting into any relationship, but I am addressing it this way for a reason.

When people first meet and sparks fly, and the hormones rage, and the attraction is strong biological changes occur in your body. These chemical and neurological explosions were made for the purpose of helping us to connect. Without them we would all be friend zoned and the human population would suffer. The reality is that we were created by God to leave and cleave (Genesis 2:24). We were created for relationships. It is what it is. We cleave to one another for friendship, companionship, security, romance, sex, you name it. The desire to join is strong. It is why during the pandemic social distancing is so difficult, especially for those who are not coupled. Coupled or not here are some things that I think all should consider before getting into a serious relationship:

Intentional Life Goals

Any search for a romantic relationship should have only one goal in mind Marriage. While this may seem like an outdated premise these days, it is still the most tried and true method for relationship satisfaction, family stability, wealth creation, positive mental health, community stability, and prosperity. You do not have to agree with me you only need to check the research and statistics. Want to find communities in disarray? Look no further than the percentage of stable married couples in that community. If you are looking to get into a relationship serious or otherwise remember that ultimately if the relationship is not going to lead to marriage…. you may need to have other considerations. Be intentional in your search and expectations for your life.

Live in Reality

I know what some of you are thinking why bother with marriage. Research says that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. The statistics are true. What the statistics do not reveal is that most people who are now married were not intentional about their search for a mate. They did as most people have done, they “fell” in love and got married. While this notion of “falling” in love sounds and is great at times the truth is “standing” in love is much better. Some people fall and cannot get up but if your standing…standing firm, falling is a little bit more difficult especially when two people (male and female) are intentional about what they are doing and are making a joint logical, spiritual, financial, social, economic, etc. decision together. The cause of this misunderstanding is that some people do not view love in its true nature. Love is not a feeling. It is a principle. People get caught up in their feelings and mistake it for love. True love is a decision that you make every day to not give up despite the challenges and stressors daily life brings. When love is viewed as a fantasy the end of the relationship is almost scripted before it begins. Fantasies always end badly when the fantasy slams headlong into to reality. When your intentional and live-in reality, you do your research, and you educate yourself about yourself and your potential partner.

Dot the I and Cross the T’s

What am I brining to the table? What is your partner bringing to the table? Both of you are bringing several things. You and your potential mate are bringing your family of origins history, communications styles, past relationship baggage, personalities, temperaments, conflict management styles, money habits, religious beliefs and values. All these areas must be explored not just for the sake of the other partner but for yourself as well. Many unsuspecting individuals get caught up with the emotional bonding that takes place when two people form a union without exploring the areas that will be required to sustain the union.

I want to point out that some of these areas cannot be helped. You cannot control to whom and in what conditions you were brought up in. For the most part by the time you are an adult your temperament and personality are pretty much etched in stone. However other areas are skill areas that can be improved upon, areas for mutual understanding. One can learn to manage conflict better, one can learn to communicate better, one can learn to manage finances better. However, if you do not know for yourself where you stand and where the other person stands relative to these matters, any promising relationship is in for a rude awakening. These areas are the very areas that are the major causes for romantic relationships and married couples to break apart.

Self-Reflection

Before entering a serious relationship, I always encourage self-reflection. After dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s like I mentioned one should do a deep dive…on themselves. They should ask the serious questions that sometimes are never asked. Am I truly prepared to freely receive what the partner is offering? After I have declared what I am searching for in a mate am I prepared when that person makes their appearance. When I ask these questions many times, I get a blank stare. I get the blank stare because these considerations have not been made. The only way to find out is to do a deep dive. Sometimes you find out that you really are not ready, you are not emotionally or spiritually mature enough to take the next step. Sometimes you realize that your current decision is not in alignment with your values and beliefs. Sometimes you find out that you have unresolved areas of your life that must be confronted, challenged, or healed before you can move forward. When you take the time to self-reflect you find out the deep things about yourself that will be necessary to ensure the success of your relationship going forward.

The areas for consideration that I presented are not exhaustive on the subject, but considering these things and others will help you be more successful in finding and entering a serious relationship that leads to marriage.

If you have questions or concerns or need help with premarital education and coaching contact KNUSTART, LLC at KNUSTART.com we provide our clients with a comprehensive pre-marital assessment.

KNUSTART, LLC is an online relationship and recovery organization that helps adults build and sustain lasting and healthy relationship with themselves, others, and their challenges.